The Husband Keeper

Login and face the music like a man

Login and face the music like a man...husband-man

One Monday on Facebook,

Me, status update: Working for a living.

My Sister-in-Law, comment: yes but at least you get paid for it.

My Sister-in-Law is an out of work Yale MBA currently staying at home with two small children. They live on the west coast with its inherent expenses.

Me, comment: I’d rather get paid for my thoughts on golf, technology, and the future. Or for thoughtful, heroic roles in important epic feature films. Or for inventing something on the scale of post-it notes. By the way, your work is not gratis.

  • Cook- 2000/mo
  • Chauffeur -2000/mo
  • Nannyx2 2000/mo
  • Sugar baby 1500/mo
  • Consultant -1000/mo
  • Cleaner -1000/mo
  • Gardener -1000/mo
  • Tutors 2500/mo
  • Room/board for all these people 3500/mo

I can go on. This is with no benefits -health or retirement.

My Lovely Wife, J, comment: Do you want a bill?

Me, comment: Yikes!

Sister in Law, comment: kee kee…

Guess now that you’ve convinced me I’ve earned it, I can afford to redecorate, treat myself to those spa treatments, and toss in that Marc Jacobs handbag I’ve been eyeing. I think we may also need to add Psychologist, Nutritionist, Hair Stylist and Health Care Professional to the list…

Me, comment, exeunt: You go girl. It doesn’t apply to J because she employs me.

This exchange made me think, which is the first step into getting into big trouble. Why do do women want to get married and stay married? If you look at the job description, the housewife takes on at least 5 or 6 essential jobs, goes through great deal of risk to have children, and starts having incredible headaches after about five years of marriage.

If the husband was the first domesticated animal (link), the husband-keeper was the first pet owner. Some husbands are useful and clever like the sheep dogs in that Samsung commercial (link). Others are more like those giant dogs people get when they’re small and cute, but are horrified soon to find that the dog eats food bought in fifty pound sacks and lays turds bigger than theirs. They’re messy, they’re high maintenance, and they’re horny.

So what do you do about a problem dog? You “fix it.” And that is what the husband keeper does to the problem husband. The fix involves:

  1. limiting access to non-family activities with the guys (hunting, fishing, golfing!) that increases testosterone driven pack behavior
  2. letting them overeat (to make them less appealing to other women and by increasing body fat, increase relative estrogens and brooding behaviors while tamping down on demon testosterone)
  3. making them drive ungainly automobiles that have the profile of pregnant women (minivans, Priuses, Lexus anything). Through  about a million years of monogamy, the original savage brute is transformed into the domesticated house-husband.

Being married, I clearly benefit by not having to employ an army of assistants while getting a leg up on unmarried people with the help of my wife. I am presentable because of my wife. The unattached, middle-aged man has the shelf life of a can of anchovies -more than a few years, but not more than about five to twenty. Being unmarried, unattached, or sadly widowed in your sixties or later is a formula for showing up sallow, unshavened, unpressed, and unwashed -a homeless man. There is good data to show that longevity is associated with marriage. Most guys who run off on their wives and families immediately turn around and get married and start another family -what were they running from?

What benefit does a woman get? Pride in ownership? Someone to kill varmints? I have very little insight into this question. I did kill a mouse in my NY apartment in 2003 -last time I did something tangibly useful for my wife. It is shocking to me that we are nearing our 15th anniversary and I look at my wife and nothing has changed about her and us. And maybe this two-happy-bugs-preserved-in-amber-for-a-billions-years thing is it: it is not one person’s benefit or the other’s, but the sum of the whole. By getting married, we enter a time compression bubble where one year can feel like seven but fifteen can feel like one. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, I am hers and she is mine.

Now about that Porsche.

The Mandibulous -updated

cate-blanchett-picture-5My grandmother told me that a person’s face determines their character and behavior. I thought it was one of many old Korean sayings and fables that have been handed downs since the Ice Age, but as I have lived these two score years, I do believe that she had something.


Our development is a balance of hormones which like the yin and yang symbol to the right, the male hormones -the androgens, and the female hormones, the estrogens, both exist in men and women and play a role in behavior. Their longterm effects are written on the faces. 

chyna-talk-060700-02The masculine jawline and heavier nose and brow ridges (frontal bossing) is a result of androgen influences. Aggression and sex drive seem to be associated with androgens, as well as increased muscle mass and low body fat. That is why Chyna Laurer formerly of the WWF looks like a man -she was taking steroids and it shows on her face with the heavy mandible, the thicker nose -and where it doesn’t show is the 3 inch long clitoris growing into a penis and the labia majora growing into a scrotum. Mudflaps indeed! The testosterone increased her muscle mass and decreased her body fat (she required breast implants after her natural breasts melted away). It probably also made her aggressive, both sexually and in general behavior. 

Cate Blanchett shown at top has many of the cardinal features of the mandibulous female -the strong nose and jawline, the deep voice, and brooding eyes under sharp brows. If she is anything like the characters that she chooses to play, she is likely very aggressive and probably always trying to wear the pants (which she does in the movies). stone001

Natural aging brings on mandibulousness -note Sharon Stone in her youth and a more recent picture of her. The decrease in estrogens brought on by menopause causes a relative uptick in the androgens -and thus mandibulousness. It’s a fact, that as our women age, they become manlier -women losing hair and growing mustaches is one of the biological costs of living past our natural evolved age of 20 or so. But, even one of our founding fathers, Ben Franklin, noted that mature women are the ideal first liasons of a young man as they not only have the experience but the urge -mandibulous. Here are more examples:


Mandibulous, and likely hornier than on the left

Mandibulous, and likely hornier than on the left

Mandibulous indeed!

Mandibulous indeed!

The gals with the soft roundish features, the girly girls, are not the ones likely to have the high hormonally driven sex drives, and are the ones most likely to gather fat around the hips and thighs and have a high brooding index -need to roost and decorate the house obsessively, eat chocolate, and have strategic headaches. It’s the tomboys who are the aggressors, and it is the MILF-y cougar who is strong of jaw and deep of voice who will likely tear your appendages off.

Addendum 2-25-2009

This idea is well illustrated in the recent SNL skit Cougar den (link).  All the characters are deep voiced, horny older women. Though meant as a caricature, they get it wrong. It isn’t that they are desperate for lack of sex -they are desperate due to an imbalance of androgen to estrogen. This is why you can go to Wal Mart and buy a back massaging wand with all those nubbly appendages on its round vibrating head. Men with back problems are not purchasing these.