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Class Notes for my upcoming 35th Reunion

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My avatar goes to Andromeda, chats about pasta.

Harvard reunions are a bittersweet affair. Some of us go missing. We all look a little more worn out, unless not looking worn out is your thing, but that too is obvious. We write updates into a book that is published and distributed.

Here is my entry:

Reflections on the past five years: In 2017, I moved my family to Abu Dhabi to start a vascular surgery program at the Cleveland Clinic Abu Dhabi. It was an adventure, pulling up roots and moving on the far side of the planet. There I worked with people from over 80 different countries and made enduring friendships. We traveled all over -Barcelona, Istanbul, Amsterdam, Rome, Petra, Jaipur, the Maldives, Amman. I was rushed off to other kingdoms and sheikdoms for consultations. We lived in a high rise overlooking the Arabian Gulf and from the balcony sometimes awake to fog clouds below us with only the tops of high-rises visible like a scene from Metropolis. The SARS-CoV-2 pandemic taught me that this mortal plane is illusory. I got COVID19 badly and was hospitalized for almost a month. It was only my privilege that got me access to experimental antivirals (the same ones you can get in pill form) that probably saved me from the ventilator. We came back to Cleveland to rebuild an American life.  

Here are some truths from this young elder: 

1. A man’s health is a result of the quality of his female relationships

2. The setup in golf determines the outcome

3. No food, no work

4. We are just animals in outfits pretending

5. The basic wild-type man is a murderous, rapacious, brute that has been domesticated over eons by the wife.

6. Children become whatever they will be and you cannot stand in the way of that tsunami

7. AI will travel to the stars without us

8. Making friends past the age of 50 is a truer measure of success than bank

9. The quality of Star Trek is a good way to measure a decade

10. There can be no good Italian food without good olive oil

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Brief: the Banshees of Inisherin

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Banshees of Inisherin is what you get when you stop saying the little lies that act as both lubricant and glue. It is the latest from a genre that says on one hand, come to Ireland for its greeny fields, hand knit sweaters, handsome witty men and women, casual day drinking, while complaining in beautiful cinematography or literate prose, that Ireland is claustrophobic, toxic, depressing, violent, and gossipy, full of people you can’t get away from because you’re on a small island.

Which is to say Ireland is a metaphor for the whole fecking world.

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Awkwafina should not be cancelled

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Awkwafina is being cancelled for speaking with a so-called blaccent. I do not think this is fair. While there has been a long history of exploitation of the African American culture which continues to this day, I believe the voice that Awkwafina uses is a genuine reflection of her upbringing in Queens, just as my voice, my vocabulary, my accent, are uniquely my own. Adel is allowed to sing in with a smoky, soulful black woman’s voice, and before that Amy Winehouse, with much success, and are left alone. Awkwafina has never been.

As Asian-Americans, our authentic voice is a reflection of all the challenges we have had to face to find our place, and many of us are still in that process. Our voices are American. Growing up in Jacksonville, Florida, I consciously took on the y’alls of the deep South but also adopted the punctilious and precious vocabulary of the Southern upper class from my prep school. When I was an senior at Harvard, I met a Korean-American freshman from Alabama’s gulf coast. He went to an impoverished public school, and his English was the language of deep-South African-Americans. Later, after a two semesters, his accent was a flatter, shortened, and clipped accent somewhere between Mobile and the Mid-Atlantic, and I wonder where his journey has taken him. He was not appropriating.

He was surviving.

I speak a more standard American accent now, peppered with y’alls on occasion, a New York f-bomb here and there, and mid-Western you bet when the spirit moves me. This is my journey. I have not appropriated anything, and I believe that Awkwafina has not either. Her cancellation is another manifestation of the othering that Asian-Americans face. Leave her alone.

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Let’s Unpack This

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the docpark OR shoe

Let’s unpack this. This phrase probably comes from the unpacking videos that have become common particularly after the launch of an iPhone -pictures of taking gadgets out of the ornately packaged boxes have been au courant for several years. This vicarious enjoyment of opening a Christmas present has leaked into the language as “let’s unpack this.” I hear it on news shows. I hear it during business meetings. Now I hear it applied to casual discussion of golfers. It’s too much.

Business-speak has invaded regular speech, and it’s become common in the medical field where management practices, including long business meetings with Powerpoint decks, have become as common as grand rounds. How many times have you heard, “low hanging fruit?” When they become verbal tics, filler words, they become maddening. That’s unfortunate, because it makes everything less interesting. Words are meant to excite. You want to sprinkle in flavor crystals, not table salt. Jargon takes an interesting speech and drowns it in the cheap cologne of timeshare sales presentations.

I suggest some alternatives. Appealing to imagination, I charge you to shape your speech to communicate your thoughts with pizzazz.

  1. “Let’s cut it open and see what’s inside.” This is a great bit for a surgical meeting where you after you introduce a topic, you start in on the details.
  2. “Let’s undress this.” A little creepy, but appropriate if you are talking to an audience of creeps.
  3. “Let’s chew on this a bit.” A twee jargon-y, but acceptable. Exactly what you mean to say when you unpack something, it always goes down well when you bring in food.
  4. “Let’s pop the hood and see what’s going on.” Active verbs like this keep the audience engaged.
  5. “Let’s go see what’s in the medicine cabinet.” In the right context, in front of the right audience, it’s not only exactly what you mean, but what you already do -you can connect!
  6. “Let’s send this fellow through the scanner.” Conveys mastery of the topic. A bit dickish, but sometimes you want that.
  7. “Let’s batter down the door and search the premises.” If you are talking to an audience of people who do this, instant rapport.
  8. “Let’s go see how the sausage is made.” Again, appealing to food is universal, particularly if it is a sausage eating crowd.
  9. “Let’s pull back the curtains on this show.” Implies mastery, or at least ring-mastery.
  10. “Let’s pick these ticks off this hog” Conveys sociability to a broad audience.
  11. “Let’s run down sniff these toes, 1-10.” You get it. Flavor!
  12. “Let’s rummage through this wallet!” Again, know your audience, you know…
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The Trilogy

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In movies, something that unexpectedly resolves a difficult situation in a plot line is called a Deus Ex Machina. Think giant eagles come save your punk ass, swords popping out of hats when you square up with a basilisk, or any time travel that solves conflict unexpectedly -Deus Ex Machina. In writing an ending to 2020 The Movie, what is happening now is all Deus Ex Machina. It’s a trilogy that started with two towers, a middle book of new hope, and now this fugly third book, where the game masters are throwing caution to the wind to get us tributes. Guess what, we are just reaching the middle of that dang third book, and the author just announced it’s a series!

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Barnacles and Whales

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There are many barnacles. There are only a few whales. Barnacles live by filtering the water for food. Their life is one of probabilities -if you see a barnacle, you know the water is rich with microscopic food. No barnacles, no food. They grow where they plant themselves and their fate is tied to their location. When they breed, they release trillions of eggs, adding to the richness of the zooplanktonic mass. Baleen whales eat the same food as barnacles but seek out nutrient rich waters to sustain themselves. They are few in number, birth one whale at a time, and live to decades. Ironically, the surface of a whale is a kind of paradise for those fortunate barnacles that latch on. Their waters are constantly optimized for food, allowing them to multiply. Over time, they slow the whale down due to hydrodynamic drag. Eventually, they kill their host and home by obstructing the blowhole. The barnacle knows not what it does, and cannot be expected to love the whale or express any regret over the state of the world. The whale in turn compensates by swimming harder, breathing harder, but eventually, it succumbs to its fate, and cannot be expected to hate the barnacle nor feel sorry about all of its labors and efforts coming to this end. Nature provides for both barnacle and whale, giving each a lifetime suited to its fate.

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An Eagle Scout

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What is a good childhood? That is the question that came to mind as I thought about Graham’s achievement of the Eagle rank. Is it a big house, having the latest toys, and fun vacations? Is it schooling? What are the values that we are trying to transmit to these boys as they become men in the blink of an eye?

Graham joined scouting as a Tiger in Iowa in 2008. 60% of his life, Graham has been in Scouting. It has been an education that has been continuous and parallel to his formal schooling. It is the best we can do in 2017, because we still need to teach these boys life lessons without sending them to the market to sell socks like my grandfather had to do when his father died in debt with 6 siblings and bleak prospects. Graham doesn’t need to go out and sell socks, but he still gets to learn important principles. These values are codified in the oath. 
Fun vacations, check -every year since first grade, Graham and I have slept in the woods somewhere in Iowa or in Ohio. One year, we even took his mother and Sam, and the whole troop helped one another set up tents in a wind storm blowing off Lake Erie after a two mile bike ride in the dark. That was the last time she went, but we both understand the value in these experiences in the cold, the wet, the uncomfortable. My favorite memory is a cub scout campout I did when Graham was 10 and Sam was 3. We had to hike with all of our gear three miles through a wooded trail, and everyone carried their load and myself thinking, what good boys I have, what greatness might await them. 
The latest toys -Graham got a pocket knife at a young age, when hovering parents worry about their kids cutting their pancakes with blunt table knives. Graham understood the gravity of that privilege, and understood it to be a tool, one of many that took maturity and skill to be allowed to own. Graham got a two man tent and hiking boots that was his sole shelter for several years during Scout campouts -I remember finding him asleep in a puddle of cold water in it after they had set up in a downpour out at Wright Patterson. Despite the temptation of sleeping in the car, I joined him after drying him off. Graham got a flint that lets him start fires as our ancestors did a quarter million years ago, and let him cook chicken in cardboard boxes and buckets like a hobo king. That is a certain kind of victory not all parents get to have. 
A big house? Graham has learned that anywhere he goes with his troop, the trees and sky overhead are the roof, and the fertile ground ‘neath his feet are his floor. The world is his house, and in this solar system, you can’t get a bigger house. He knows he can bed down for the night anywhere and can withstand discomfort with equanimity. He knows he shares this house with great friends and family. He knows that this house needs careful stewardship and is something to pass on to the next generation. He knows that filling this house with love is a good thing, something worth striving for. 
What will Graham do, who will he become? That is a developing story, but it is with great security that I know that the Boy Scouts have prepared Graham for the next steps in his life. We love you Graham, and we are so very proud of you. Congratulations on your achievement.

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Campfire Stories

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Campfire Stories to Offset the Dad Jokes that Masquerade as Scary Campfire Stories

My younger son is a Cub Scout and we go on campouts. Inevitably, there is a camp fire and the tradition is to tell stories, usually spooky. When I was a kid, the stories had some creepiness to them, but they have all been banned -too scary. Now, the camp fire tales are just funny jokes -dad jokes, involving puns and worse. As the Halloween campout for our pack arrives, I’ve thought up some good ones:

1. This part of Ohio was on a trail where pioneers camped out on their way further west. The legend has it that as a family of settlers slept, the two boys disappeared into these forests, and the mother refused to go any further. The local farmers say that at night, a pale woman shows up at the door and asks for her boys and if there are any young boys, she grabs them to take them into the woods. They say you can tell it’s her because her eyes are sunken empty holes that cry bloody tears.

2. The local native Americans warned people never to pee in the woods at dark. A black hole forms from which demons reach out to grab you and pull you in.

3. Thirty years ago, a boy went missing around these parts and there was a long search for him, but they never found him. They say that you can hear him crying at night asking you to take him home, and you know it’s him by the dead butterfly in his mouth.

4. The bababoo is a angry spirit that will take your body and make you say and do terrible things against your will. Terrible things happen. You invite it in by saying bababoo thirteen times.Mayhem ensues that cause permanent harm.

5. UFO’s are very common here. They say that aliens take you into their ship and replace your mind with one of theirs, and put you back where they find you. They activate you when you fall asleep while camping.

6. The goat beast comes when people are unhappy or worried. It has creepy yellow eyes that glow in the dark and it waits to grab you when you walk in the dark to slowly eat you over days.

7. The grumpkin looks like a short bearded man, but you know it is him by the fact that his feet are on backwards. He’ll ask you a riddle and if you can’t answer in three tries, he will make you do a terrible thing or take your soul.

8. There are house ghosts that were people who died alone, angry, and outside in the dark. You hear them walking around cabins in the dark, and they stare at you while you sleep. You can only see them when the cabins are their darkest. You can hear them breathe. They are crying softly, and they want to come into your warm bed.

9. On a cold fall night, the fairies come together for their feast. They roast a young boy that they lure out into the woods with sweet fairy music, usually at night, starting with a sweet smell and shimmery lights.

10. Window monsters will try to get your attention by freezing you in your tracks with terror, and try to get invited in with false promises. They get stronger when you close your eyes or try to ignore them. Only by looking into the dark faces and eyes do you weaken them, but if you blink, they have you in their control, and make you open the door. 

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The Twee Traveler Calls The Front Desk

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IMG_6116

  1. My pillows need to be encoldened.
  2. Your sofa makes my bottom itch.
  3. I need a large bag for my hair.
  4. Every hotel I have been in on this trip has had bed bugs!
  5. What is the number for your MILF channel?
  6. My comfort animal needs a platter of long cut bamboo with the leaves left on.
  7. I need more lotion.
  8. Can you send up some hay?
  9. I will need bleach, a box of gloves, and a mop in the morning.
  10. How much air is in your room safe?
  11. Can you send up some more sheets? My sores are leaking.
  12. Can you send up someone who can keep their mouth shut?
  13. Kindling.
  14. More Kleenex please.
  15. I need help removing something.
  16. The goat’s milk isn’t for me…
  17. I can’t imagine how it happened but something very important to me just ran into the vents.
  18. Of course I have a permit.
  19. I need a newspaper with today’s date on it.
  20. This is not my first rodeo.
  21. Well, it’s allowed where I’m from…
  22. I am a professional taxidermist…
  23. Are you sure there is no MILF channel?
  24. If an angry man comes asking for me, I’m not here.
  25. I make those things for a living. No, I don’t need a license…
  26. I am an artist!
  27. Soup. Just soup.
  28. I may have left something down in the lobby -no, I’ll come down and get it. No, no,..NO DON”T TOUCH IT!
  29. No, I hear no chickens.
  30. I am a very important talent agent and those people are my clients.
  31. If someone claiming to be my wife comes asking for me, I’m not here.
  32. Your business center’s printer is out of red ink.
  33. That lady boy is my personal assistant and needs to sauna before she shaves.
  34. This is so embarassing…
  35. I need more furniture.
  36. I have a skin condition and it is very important that I put that on before I swim.
  37. I have a doctor’s note, so that’s okay.
  38. Your gym gave me a terrible rash.
  39. That family that checked in next door -they’re a bunch of liars.
  40. I would like to talk to your lawyer.
  41. I may have left something in the hot tub.
  42. Where else am I going to dispose of my bags?
  43. Can you send up some duct tape?
  44. My courtesy bar was empty when I checked in!
  45. Are those people still down there waiting for me?
  46. Technically, they are contractors and not my employees per se.
  47. I have no sense of smell. I was born that way.
  48. I run a petting zoo.
  49. Your night clerk is very hostile.
  50. I’m allergic to some kinds of gluten.
Golf and Computers, golf culture, golf equipment, golf food, golf instruction, golf news, golfist libation, My Bidness, my golf, Naturalism , , Leave a comment

Updated: Top 12 Things to Get Your Surgeon mid 2015

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Not on the list, but really handy, the Dell Venue 8-7000 Android Tablet with OLED screen in its Dell keyboard case

Not on the list, but really handy, the Dell Venue 8-7000 Android Tablet with OLED screen in its Dell keyboard case

1. De Tommaso Shoes -these are handmade Italian shoes. They are like Maserati for your feet. They are so comfortable and stylish, yet surprisingly affordable with the weak Euro. Ideally, you go to Italy and have cast of your feet made so that they can make any shoe out of the current catalogue for you and ship them. If you are so lucky to be in a store near the end of the season, spring through summer, you can pick up clearance items ready to wear which will exceed any shoe you might conceive of getting. Wearing them, you are ruined for any other shoe like a dog fed hand raised and massaged steaks.
2. Quart of Legal Seafood Fish Chowder. They will ship it to you on dry ice, suitable for hoarding for yourself or sharing with honored guests like the Dalai Lama, if he eats fish. He doesn’t! TOO BAD!!!
3. Watch wardrobe with automatic watches in round v. square, gold v. silver, black v. tan v. metal bands. Given the flood of cheap Chinese watches made in factories that were moved brick by brick from Switzerland (hence “Swiss” movements), the only thing is replacing the cheap bands with decent ones that may cost more than the watch. The whole choice matrix ends up being 12 watches for about $50 each, cheaper than a single actual Swiss automatic watch or an Apple Watch.
4. Calfskin iPad and iPhone cases from Piel Frama. They make luxurious, buttery soft cases for electronics that are distinctive. Sure you can find a black synthetic leather one from China, but nothing beats these supreme cases from Spain.
5. Old Potrero Rye Whiskey -From Anchor Distilling in San Francisco, this is a tough bottle to find, but a tastier quaff you will never find.
6. Scotty Cameron putters are magic when your putting stroke is on -it telegraphs the transfer of momentum to a ball in ways other putters dream of. A vintage Ping putter comes in a close second if you can find it in good condition. These are like treasured family swords -the classically Karsten Eye shaped ones which I prefer. Billy Baroo!
7. MacBook 12 inch, 2015 edition, maxed out, in gold. The specs might not be as fast as some PC’s, but it will run Windows better than most PC’s and the inimitable MacOS. For blogging on transcontinental flights and writing the great American novel.
8. Zerolemon 20,000mAH Solar powered battery. It charges every gadget from iOS to Android and even the MacBook 12, and will recharge itself from sunlight. Great for blogging the post Apocalypse with all your gadgets running, although all the good real estate will still be occupied by the un-Raptured. Also good for keeping charged on the beaches at Sibari.
9. Human Siri -a personal assistant that arranges your work and personal schedules and does short notice baby sitting. Text human Siri, “I need to fly to Prague via Milan from Minneapolis but returning to New York via Barcelona, with two day layovers on both legs at the place with the bald concierge in Milan and the Latvian one in Barcelona. And pick up a bag of Arugula and pine nuts; leave it on my front seat.”
10. Sous-vide control system -this is to food geeks today what microwave ovens were to upper middle class people back in the 70’s. The basic premise is that a recirculating heating system brings a volume of water to 140-170 degrees, below boiling, but above the denaturization point for proteins. By placing vacuum sealed seasoned meats into these baths, they reach a fool proof medium rare to medium well, with carmelization being done with a finishing heat under a torch or under broil in the oven. This is the key to foolproof non-rubbery chicken without burning off all the spices. This is how tenderloin roast is managed in restaurants. This is how I want to cook in the future.
11. 3D Printer -These have come down in price to the point where they are almost the price of high end paper printers -about $500 will give you a 3D printer that will keep you in infinite supply of Lego pieces, iPhone cases, plastic zip guns, and prosthetic hands. I want.
12. A year of private piano lessons to be administered twice weekly in the evenings in the home to play just a single piece -Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue in the expanded piano arrangement from beginning to end by heart. I figure, if I can only play one piece, this will be it and should satisfy me for a lifetime, because it reminds me of how it feels to be young in New York City. May take 5 years.