Thoughts before a holiday cruise.
1. If I don’t pay enough for my tickets will I be Irish dancing day and night in steerage.
2. Will there be a series of unsolved murders and will I have to solve them?
3. As we sail into the Bermuda triangle, will there be wifi?
4. If we land on a lost continent, will dinosaur taste like chicken.
5. Will there be monsters?
6. If I ever have to man an oar, will I be man enough?
7. Would the food charge on the lifeboats include tip.
8. Does the rule women and children first include man-children?
9. Does our fare include tribute for harpies, sirens, and cyclops?
10. What is the dollar to doubloon exchange rate?

Thoughts during a cruise

1. Some non-Titanic cruise movies they should screen at Movies Under the Stars: The 5th Element, Steve Zissou and the Life Aquatic, Battlestar Galactica, but they don’t take requests.
2. Back is aft, forward is forward, right is starboard, left is port, and the bathroom is the head. Kind of funny that left is port.
3. Nobody shouts “land-ho!” when land is clearly ho.
4. Our steward has better manners than any of us.
5. The tropical paradise of Eleuthera is a dollop of sand in the middle of the ocean –if it wasn’t for the concession stand, I’d say two weeks tops before the party descends into cannibalism and Lord of the Flies worship.
6. Trying to figure out what is the real reason behind the all you can eat policy.
7. Sea Law implies that the captain is a benevolent despot and we are his happy children. Surprisingly, I sleep well.
8. Man Overboard! Don’t yell that.
9. Vomiting toddlers are treated like infected zombies.
10. There is no poop deck, just a walking track.

Thoughts After A Cruise

1. Grateful that there were no Kraken, Cyclops, or carnivorous Mermaids showing up asking for tips.
2. No icebergs.
3. Gastroenteritis outbreak averted by 36 hour quarantine of 2 year old in a 8×10 cell.
4. Scopalamine patch effective in creating zombie red eye, furry dry mouth, and Cross Bronx traffic jam constipation.
5. Baristas no longer hassling me over my morning precoffee aphasia.
6. Income inequality’s logical end point is well illustrated by the juxtaposition of Paradise Island and the slums over the hill from Nassau.
7. All you can eat does not mean all you can digest.
8. They gouge you with the Wifi, the drinks, the tips, and the duty free stuff that is not profit free.
9. Our particular cruise had the ambience of an over the top Bar Mitzvah that would not end.
10. Ship’s doctor thankfully didn’t want a tip
    

    The Only Fellow Who Didn't Want a Tip

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