A family man’s life is hard. He must give himself constantly to his labors. He must also prove that he contributes to the household by giving his labors during his days away from work. Men live shorter lives compared to their mates, being more prone to heart attack, stroke, prostate cancer, and soul-crushing depression. 

The preamble to the Constitution speaks of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In truth, we have the to-do list, many responsibilities, and the time from 10pm to 2am. It isn’t to say that happiness can’t be derived from being a family man. It is gratifying to watch your progeny grow. It is comforting to share intimate moments with your mate. Above all, you avoid a certain amount of disrepute for lacking the gravitas of domestic ballast. 

There is a moment when a man looks in the mirror and whispers that old Talking Heads’ refrain, “how did I get here?” You can make it happen by watching a video of yourself –it is in video that you see things that you gracefully filter out in the mirror. It’s horrible but fascinating to see all of a sudden that you no longer look so much like the Asian Charlie Sheen that the girls used to talk about, but now you could do a pretty good Roseanne Barr imitation.

In response, we all behave differently depending on our proclivity and appetites. There are those who externalize by grabbing on to things they didn’t have the funding for when they were younger and poorer. A Porsche 911 Turbo with Cabriolet top in sunburst copper in the shade you see on classic Les Paul guitars, a twenty-something girlfriend with daddy issues, a 24k grill that says, “Hedge Trimmer” -these are some of the things that come to mind. The internalizers on the other hand submerge their pain with night time viewings of 15 second sample porno clips and sideways glances at the milfy neighbor ladies. They become closet heterosexuals in that most asexual of life roles -suburban daddy. 

The Atlases of the cul-de-sacs and exurbs are suffering, my friends, and I have found the way. Swing that club and celebrate your potential because in golf you are given those moments of purity and perfection. Put a smile on your face and not a gun in your mouth. Be the ball, not the tee. 

Atlas