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The Twee Traveler Calls The Front Desk

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  1. My pillows need to be encoldened.
  2. Your sofa makes my bottom itch.
  3. I need a large bag for my hair.
  4. Every hotel I have been in on this trip has had bed bugs!
  5. What is the number for your MILF channel?
  6. My comfort animal needs a platter of long cut bamboo with the leaves left on.
  7. I need more lotion.
  8. Can you send up some hay?
  9. I will need bleach, a box of gloves, and a mop in the morning.
  10. How much air is in your room safe?
  11. Can you send up some more sheets? My sores are leaking.
  12. Can you send up someone who can keep their mouth shut?
  13. Kindling.
  14. More Kleenex please.
  15. I need help removing something.
  16. The goat’s milk isn’t for me…
  17. I can’t imagine how it happened but something very important to me just ran into the vents.
  18. Of course I have a permit.
  19. I need a newspaper with today’s date on it.
  20. This is not my first rodeo.
  21. Well, it’s allowed where I’m from…
  22. I am a professional taxidermist…
  23. Are you sure there is no MILF channel?
  24. If an angry man comes asking for me, I’m not here.
  25. I make those things for a living. No, I don’t need a license…
  26. I am an artist!
  27. Soup. Just soup.
  28. I may have left something down in the lobby -no, I’ll come down and get it. No, no,..NO DON”T TOUCH IT!
  29. No, I hear no chickens.
  30. I am a very important talent agent and those people are my clients.
  31. If someone claiming to be my wife comes asking for me, I’m not here.
  32. Your business center’s printer is out of red ink.
  33. That lady boy is my personal assistant and needs to sauna before she shaves.
  34. This is so embarassing…
  35. I need more furniture.
  36. I have a skin condition and it is very important that I put that on before I swim.
  37. I have a doctor’s note, so that’s okay.
  38. Your gym gave me a terrible rash.
  39. That family that checked in next door -they’re a bunch of liars.
  40. I would like to talk to your lawyer.
  41. I may have left something in the hot tub.
  42. Where else am I going to dispose of my bags?
  43. Can you send up some duct tape?
  44. My courtesy bar was empty when I checked in!
  45. Are those people still down there waiting for me?
  46. Technically, they are contractors and not my employees per se.
  47. I have no sense of smell. I was born that way.
  48. I run a petting zoo.
  49. Your night clerk is very hostile.
  50. I’m allergic to some kinds of gluten.