Here it is, the measure of a golfer

handicap-cardThis is how the dipstick looked after it was plunged into my golfing soul. 2008 was a great year ball striking -I hit some crazy good shots onto green, but my putting average per hole was about 2.7. This means that I give up an average of 12 strokes a round to bad putting.

It is fairly routine for me to get on the green in regulation or close to it and 3 and four putt.

I think I know now the reason why. All last season, I played with bifocals. This was wrong.

I am now focused on becoming an average to good putter. I will no longer obsess about the purely struck ball. We’ll see what happens.

The Shoes Don’t Go Here With That

img_2115The LL Bean boot is the footgear that started the empire. It was perfectly normal for me to slide these on over thick wool socks, and tuck my dress pants into the leather uppers. This was okay to do in the Northeast. It is not in the Midwest. Some of my nurses, those who became familiar enough with me to find humor in my actions, found it hilarious to the point of pointing fingers and guffawing. They no longer work for me, but not for this reason.

Truthfully, it is a bit of an affectation because rarely does snow ever reach so high that this is necessary, and most places that I frequent are either indoors or cleared of snow. I did not grow up wearing these in Florida.

I could have many choices of footgear for the snow, but I really like these boots. This despite the fact that they are not all that warm, especially compared to a modern snow boot. In college, in the midst of serious preppies, I found that this is what you wear when you want to take your yellow labrador retriever for a walk in the snow up in your cottage in Vermont. It is permissible to wear jeans for this, but only blue, lightly faded, and only Levi’s.

Otherwise, you presented yourself within the dress code of your prep school or country club. It was my prep school, then Ivy League college education, that made me a fair mimic of the Prince of Wales, sartorially.

It was also important for me to fit in, and I did not want my clothes to be a barrier. Now that I am wise I realize that people who make clothing a barrier aren’t all that wonderful to be around. But that is the difference about living in the midwest and living out East.

In general, but not as a rule, you have a hard time finding a professional job out East without some kind of Ivy League cred. You might say the same about state schools and the old boy networks, and I found that to be just as stifling when I lived in the south, but that was it -in the south, the old boy networks are very important, but so far, to my experience, not here.

Living here in the Midwest, I have found that these elitist codes, and membership and employment in the satrapies of myopic nabobs who find delight in surrounding themselves with other similar people, don’t work. Some of my patients haven’t a clue what Harvard or Columbia are. Or why it is wearing Bean boots with your khaki Chinos tucked in, all while you’re bundled in fashionable, primary-colored layers, wrapped in a Burberry oil skin hunting jacket which identified you as a member of the elite out East, just makes you a curious fellow here in Des Moines -someone overly involved with looking like they’re about to shoot some pheasants, but absent a shotgun, a pickup truck, or a dog.

These boots are now just useful, waterproof footwear, like they were meant to be.

I find living here in the midwest as close to heaven as I can imagine, especially when I contemplate the great golf that is coming my way this spring. Here I live, and here I will be buried.

The lost golfball is usually not the same as a lost child

 

Hyperion #13

Hyperion #13

Imagine if you are of a certain age, and you now have time to take up golf. You can play in the middle of the week, and you take a few lessons, read some golf magazines, and you find a group of guys at your general skill level. All four of you take to the course as often as you can, and you poke the balls out there, never in the middle of the fairway, but into the thick stuff, only the thick stuff at Hype is only 2-3 inches deep, very forgiving. None of your clustered eight eyes see beyond general trajectories. One of you who may have been in the artillery during ‘Nam (not Korea, as you clearly are still walking), adds in wind into the general calculus. So after you hit your tee shots, and until you get on the green, the rate limiting step of your round is finding the golfball.

The artillery guy waves his hands towards the bushes ahead, or to the cart path to the right or to the unconscious old guy to the left, and starts his partners on their mission, which now no longer is golf, but rather a gruesome easter egg hunt. I can hear their joints cracking across the fairway as they rustle about the rough. There is no glee in the dour faces of these gentleman, but rather the serious, searching squint of hunter-gatherers looking for their next meal. I do get it, as for these guys, the finding of balls, and not necessarily of their own balls, but of more balls, is basically the only reward they get as I have rarely seen any of these guys putt out -it’s a potlatch of plenty on the greens as they bestow five to ten footers to each other after spending five minutes each squinting and plotting their lag putts. Of course, there will always be one who insists of putting out, but he will spend five minutes on the one footer as well as the thirty footer. 

Imagine this multiplied by five or ten, and all of these fine men are hunting and gathering for balls, calculating and fussing over putts that they might make once a year, and never holing out which is the point of stroke play. 

Imagine this whole bunch unmarshalled and unregulated. They can’t see the group waiting behind them, and because they keep running into the group ahead, they assume that golf is always slow. 

And that is fine. They are experiencing golf in their own way. They are experience the joy of the wandering search. The fine air, the cool breeze, how many of these days do we have left to us? We don’t know but we know they are finite. 

I am happy they have their place to play at golf and at golf ball hunting. And I am glad to know where these people are.

DMGCC greens revealed to be anatomic

I had always wondered why the greens at DMGCC never matched up with the course. The course itself is fair, and I rarely lose balls. The greens were driving me to distraction, and now I know why. They are all contoured on various parts of the female torso. I noticed it when I was stuck on the right butt cheek putting across ass cleavage to the left butt cheek. No kidding. Tee to fringe, very nice course. Greens -topography straight from Venus de Milo.

The Godfather, the HAC, and Houston

When I was a child, I saw The Godfather and The Godfather Part II. I have watched it again and again, and I read Mario Puzo’s masterpiece. I have upgraded the movies as the media changes, but have held off upgrading to the DVD’s until now -it’s available on iTunes and will now travel with me on my iPhone on my next trip. 

It’s greatness is in its authentic portrayal of the immigrant experience. It’s about being an outsider. It’s about the wages of sin and losing of the soul in pursuit of the American dream. 

What is the American Dream today? In striving for it, what do we lose? Why did we as a society go “All In” on housing,  with borrowed chits from the Chinese who now run the tables. 

In troubled times, we will all end up going to the mattresses, banding together. The HAC is an important thing because it is Our Thing -it allows the men in our community to gather and see what kind of golfers we are. 

Tears came to my eyes when I saw a subdivision a lot like ours in Houston without electricity. It wasn’t the lack of electricity, but the orange extension cords going from the homes with power to their neighbors without power that were physical representations of the connectedness of these people. 

The HAC, play groups, the block parties, these work to make us closer. We will all need each other in these troubled times.

HAC back

The HAC returns September 26th. It is the big 27 hole event featuring a Ryder cup style competition between the North and South squad. Pictured left is the last event covered here several weeks ago. Unfortunately, I’ll be out of town for it, which is devastating as I had hoped to help defend the North’s championship. Overall, I think North will be better off -I have managed to straighten out my irons but at the cost of some consistency off the tee. As for putting, fuhgeddaboutit. Good luck to all.

HAC played – blech

HAC played today at Legacy which is a great layout for a neighborhood function. Unfortunately, I stunk up the course with my miserable play -couldn’t get a rhythm going and left everything going left. Congratulations to the victors. Pictured is Mr. C who played excellently.

HAC -what kind of man are you?

HAC coming up. Neighborly competition? I think not. In a different era, men from various burgs and shires would practice at archery, throw rocks at targets, hunt together, and sometimes to war together to fight bandits or some invader. Through this they got to know the measure of each other. Today, we live among strangers, driving to work like faceless cod schooling along the currents, and try to figure out who exactly it is our wives are talking about. Golf is all about getting the ball in the hole and not about that at all. Your scores will say one thing, but your behavior in the face of tribulation, your resilience, your resourcefulness, your truthiness, all will say other things that your wives have not a single clue about. See you at Legacy.

Golf’s black heart

The HAC is my neighborhood society of gentlemen devoted to golf mostly for the opportunity to get together and:

 

1. avoid wives, children, and lawncare duties

2. drink beer and consume artery-clogging foods that accompany beer and fellowship

3. connive, lie, steal, revel in a fellow’s misfortune, and cheat

 

Yes, cheat, because within the heart of all golfers beats a small fifth chamber that pumps black bile, that motivates sin, and drives competition. No way around it, golf competition is a zero sum game of winners, cheaters, losers, and those who failed to cheat effectively. 

 

Golfism seeks to cleanse the black heart of golf. It should be played from the tips with no handicap. You get what you get and you can’t throw a fit, to paraphrase my 6 year old.