Atlas Kvetches: Advice for a Friend Newly Married in Middle Age

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Expert Advice

  1. Don’t go introducing your first wife as your “first wife.” Very few people find that funny. Heh, heh.
  2. In general, the answer is “yes” unless it involves wearing man Uggs.
  3. You have two years to establish your habits and patterns, after which these become the boundary conditions of your confinement -if that includes getting a new Porsche lease every year or having an annual dinner with some close woman friend with whom you have a platonic but almost but not quite When Harry Met Sally kind of relationship, you have to set the pattern within the two year mark.
  4. Start work on your man cave for all the things that you love that she hates. That space will never be big enough.
  5. If you share bank accounts, you should put aside and maintain some cash inside an unused guitar for spur of the moment purchases like: 1. lap dances, 2. bribe to get out of Mexican jail, 3. over and under 12 gauge shotgun, 4. food for secret family, 5. escape
  6. Spontaneity worked in dating, but predictability keeps the marriage secure. Share your Outlook or iCloud calendar, broadcast your phone’s GPS, update your Facebook frequently or hire someone reliable to do these for you, paying out of the funds in #5
  7. Learn and appreciate the incognito mode on Google’s Chrome web browser. 
  8. Golf gives you 5-8 hours of quiet alone time. If she takes up golf, the other options include: 1. Iron Man training, 2. piano lessons, 3. trips to buy obscure companies that make obscure but needful things, 4. solo sailing, 5. extreme litigation, 6. closet with an inside lock, Lazy Boy, and iPad.
  9. Prepare for inevitable valleys of despair and peaks of reasonable happiness by collecting whiskies.
  10. Buy one of those clicker counters (those red plastic ones are best) to keep track of meaningful conversations. Remember you can only have 100 meaningful conversations with the wife before it all ends, and you don’t wan’t it to end so soon, so pace yourself. About one a year may sound crazy but goes a long way to keep the bonds tight. 
  11. All hires -personal secretaries, nannies, staff, should be younger versions of your wife, just to keep everyone on their toes. 
  12. Stop with the Q-tips -let the ear wax buildup and let hearing slip. Hearing is overrated, particularly in the married. 

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